As someone who has always been into learning about Asian religions, I can say that I was really looking forward to see an authentic Vietnamese Buddhism temple, because I would be able to put my knowledge to use, and experience Buddhism through my own experience. Growing up Catholic, I feel like I wasn’t able to be exposed to other religions until recently, and I really feel like I was robbed of the experience of finding a religion and/or practice that really resonated with me. Thus, when taking my Religion in Asia course and learning about Buddhist values, I really felt like that was something that I would agree with and understand.
I remember the feeling of walking into the pagoda and seeing the face of Buddha smiling at me. I didn’t know how to take in my feelings, as I felt like as a Catholic, I shouldn’t be participating in another religions rituals or crossing into their sacred place, but as an Asian-American that grew up surrounded by Buddhism and Confucianism in California, I felt senses of acceptance. Seeing all of the nature and hearing all of the creatures in the common area in front of the temple really added to the sense of peacefulness that was being exuded, and that was enough to make me venture closer to the main worship area.
Before entering the main temple, I remembered that you’re meant to burn incense in order to cleanse oneself before going inside, and I saw Hannah doing the same thing, so I followed her to the incense box, and lit one. While in this process, there were still doubts in my mind about participating in an activity that I don’t necessarily believe in, but as I lit the incense and walked around to the front to bow, I felt like all my uncertainty was burning away with the incense. The smell wafted up to my brain, and all I could picture was my grandma lighting the same stick in her house after I had told her about a bad day I had.
The feelings associated with the smell really made me feel like it was okay for me to be inside a place that contradicts what I was raised to believe in, so with that, I exercised my three bows, and simply placed the burning stick of incense with the rest.
After placing the incense where it belongs, I walked towards the temple, took off my shoes, and began to venture inside. Again, the feeling of not belonging / feeling like an imposter lingered with me, and as I was staring at the first initial statue and watching the women pour oil inside the bowl, I really felt out of place. I didn’t understand what they were doing or why they were doing it, and that made me feel even more insecure and uncertain, and I debated just going out and leaving because I felt like I was intruding on a space that wasn’t mine.
However, as I was about to turn around, I saw tassels and charms that I recognized from my grandma’s room and my own, and I stopped to take a look. Meant for Feng Shui, the coin charm of interest was almost exactly like the I had at home that she had given me, and I just felt like that was a sign for me not to leave just yet.
Turning around, I walked back towards the main part of the temple, and I was met with two children with their father in front of me, bowing towards the Buddha statue, and praying for whatever it was that they needed. The sight sort of intimidated me at first, and that’s when I really felt like I should leave. I didn’t know how to interpret the feeling that I was experiencing, and I just felt like watching a religious moment that I didn’t understand was sacrilegious on both sides, and I was just so unsure of myself.
But then, the two kids that were praying in front of me got up, turned around, and gave me a cute smile, and one of them came around and reached out his hand for me to hold. I didn’t really know what to do, because I didn’t want his father that was still praying in front of me to think anything weird was happening, and I also didn’t speak the language, so I just felt like there were a bunch of barriers keeping me from extending my own hand. However, he made the decision for me, and grabbed my hand and just stood next to me while he waited for his father to finish the prayer, and the other kid just stood next to me in silence.
At that moment, I really just felt like there was a reason for me to stay. The children didn’t understand anything about me, didn’t know what I was thinking about, but still felt comfortable enough to wait next to me. I think its moments like these that show how all the mental barriers that I had put up really didn’t matter. I feel like I was just giving myself excuses to not embrace the experience as much as I should, and this instance allowed me to see that.
Life is too short for us to reject experiences that we are not comfortable with.
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After the visit to the temple, we decided to head towards the War Museum to learn more about the Vietnam War and its effects on Vietnam. Initially, as someone who was never too interested in war or history, I thought that I would just observe the museum’s artifacts and knowledge, and be okay with not seeing everything that the exhibit displayed.
When we got to the museum, I remember walking around the initial grounds and surrounding area, and just not feeling too absorbed into the content, as I am extremely anti-war and anti-violence, and just seeing displays of killing machines made me feel very uncomfortable.
I remember walking into the museum’s entrance, and being met with the exhibit on anti-war protests and outrage by neighboring countries of both America and Vietnam. I began to read more about the displays that were being presented, and I felt real connections to the people who’s stories were being remembered into the museum. In that moment, I really felt what these people were trying to fight. The values and principles of the Vietnam War can be found even in modern times, where we see America wanting to involve themselves in battles and fights for our own benefit, and not thinking about what it means for the people who’s lives are being destroyed and taken from them.
With this thought in mind, I felt like I was ready to embrace the rest of the museum.
Walking up into the second floor, Abby and I entered the first room we saw, not really having any thoughts or set plans in mind for the rest of the tour.
When we entered the first exhibit space, we were immediately met with a display case filled with the bullets and guns that were used during the war by the Americans and the Vietnamese. The bullets ranged from about one inch long to what looked like around 6 inches. Just the thought of one of these entering my body and instantly killing me really terrified me, and I don’t think that I could bring myself to even hold one of them. The weight that comes with holding something that will kill people is an emotional burden that I could never be able to carry with me every day, and I don’t think that I would be able to stop myself from feeling guilt and depression whenever I thought of the incidents.
There is no feeling of glory for the people that live everyday with the burden of war.
After walking through the first exhibit, my initial slight disinterest in the topic was long forgotten, and all I wanted to do was learn more about what the soldiers and civilians went through during this tragic battle.
After this initial exhibit came the Agent Orange exhibit.
In American schools, we aren’t really taught enough about the gas itself. I think that before I went inside, my understanding of the gas was that it was extremely deadly to those that inhaled it, but that would have meant that they were the ones actively in battle. Unfortunately, this was not the case.
The most notable image for me was a blue image of a boy being fed food by someone while he stared into the lens of the camera. The description talked about how despite not being able to speak his mind and thoughts, his eyes were expression enough for the feelings that he was trying to convey.
I remember that after reading this display, I just started crying in front of the photo. The thought of a little boy with birth defects not ever being able to communicate what he wanted to was just so heartbreaking and emotionally taxing. He would never be able to tell his parents that he loved them. Never be able to say that he wanted a hug from someone. Never be able to just say whatever was keeping him up at night. All of the essential parts of the human experience were taken from him because of a selfish war that had nothing to do with him.
He lives with the sadness of having his existence taken away from him.
After that exhibit, I don’t think that I could ever allow myself to be so ignorant of war again. So many people suffer everyday because of violence that is out of their control, while I am able to be upset over the fact that it is too hot for us to be outside without a portable fan.
This exhibit really opened my eyes to the fact that war is never about the countries themselves. It will always be on the people that fought for the country, and the people that live with the effects of the war.